DISCLAIMER: NO POETS WERE TORTURED IN THE MAKING OF THIS POST (THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT REVIEW)

Does Taylor Swift even need an introduction? She's grossed over 2 BILLION dollars from her record-breaking Eras Tour, and became the TIME'S Person Of The Year in 2023. Most recently, however, she released her album The Tortured Poets Department. It released at midnight on April 19th with 16 songs. She surprised us all when 2 hours later, she made TTPD a double album by releasing The Anthology, including extra songs, four of which being advertised on the Special Editions of the album!

It's now been over four months since TTPD + The Anthology released, and I've let myself gather my opinions on all 31 songs. Today, I'll be ranking every single one of them.

THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT:

#1: Fortnight (ft. Post Malone) (5/5)

Now when this one came out, I thought it was not a good choice for the first single, but I've actually kinda grown to like that decision. This is just a really fun song, especially when you hear it out in public. My one main complaint about this is I wish there was more Post Malone. Now, he does get the outro (the best part), but I'd like to see what would happen if he got more on this song, kinda like Snow On The Beach.

#2: The Tortured Poets Department (5/5)

This is allegedly about Matty Healy, which I can definitely hear. He apparently likes typewriters, so "You left your typewriter at my apartment, straight from The Tortured Poets Department" makes a lot of sense. It has fun production and Taylor sounds great as always. Also the lyrics on this one are hilarious, including the chocolate bars and the Charlie Puth namedrop. So yeah, The title track of is yet another solid addition to the album. 

#3: My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys (5/5)

So in this one, Taylor is a toy, and Joe keeps "breaking" her. That's a really interesting concept for a song, and the lyricism here is fantastic. Yet another fun bop, and one I could definitely see as the next single, even though there are a ton of better choices in my opinion.

#4: Down Bad (5/5)

So in this song, she's not actually "down bad" for a boy, she's more "down, bad(ly)" if that makes sense. This one's a pretty fun song, although it's a tad bit slow for my liking, but it's Taylor so I don't really mind. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention I'm a huge swiftie? Another fun fact, this song has more swear words in it than the entirety of her first 7 albums!

#5: So Long, London (5/5)

Track #5's on Taylor Swift albums are normally the most heart wrenching songs on the album, and this one follows that. It's about the end of her relationship with Joe, and it's a parallel to London Boy, her love song about Joe. The chorus at the beginning is fantastic, and the whole song is amazingly written. Definitely one of the best songs lyrically on the album

#6: But Daddy I Love Him (5/5)

This one is about the swiftie's opinion on her and Matty's relationship, and how it upsets Taylor. But, in the end it turns into a love song about Travis (which is why this and So High School are mashed up on the tour). This song is such a fun song, and the vibes with this one on the Eras Tour is unmatched. Yet another fantastic song.

#7: Fresh Out The Slammer (4/5)

I didn't like this one a couple days ago, but it's really grown on me. This is a pretty fun song, with a sick beat switch at the end. I never really thought Taylor would do a song about prisons, but here we are. It's pretty fun, but nothing super special.

#8: Florida!!! (ft. Florence + The Machine) (5/5)

This song was actually inspired by how stereotypical serial killers all move to Florida, so that's interesting. This song is awesome. The production for one is fantastic, and Florence's part is way better than Post's. I love her third wall break at the end of her verse. But the best part easily has to be the bridge, it feels like everything built up to this "duet", it's awesome. Can't believe this one didn't make the setlist. Oh yeah, future Bubby here. It made the setlist for London N8 and it was so fun. Might be in the top 5 performances on the whole tour honestly.

#9: Guilty as Sin? (5/5)

This is the type of song that's not really even that memorable, but gets stuck in your head for like a week straight. It's a pretty solid song with nothing really wrong about it, but just not really my thing if that makes sense. Also, this is one with a funny abbreviation, being GAS. Literally ⛽.

#10: Who's Afraid Of Little Old Me? (5/5)

Another song off the setlist, and it's such a banger. It's about when you feel like you're underestimated, and how you're much stronger than you put on, and that's so relatable. This is such a good one to scream in the shower to. If you can't tell, this is one of my favorites.

#11: I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) (1/5)

Probably the worst song on either side of the album is this one. It's just so boring, and I've never really even bothered to listen to it. From what I've heard, it's about her thinking she can fix her crazy boyfriend (Matty), but in the end she realizes she can't. Yeah, pretty stupid idea in my mind. So yeah, pretty bad song.

#12: loml (5/5)

Big debate, how do you pronounce this one? I love lommel, but ell-em-oh-ell is apparently the right way. Anyways, this title has a double meaning, where in the beginning it means love of my life, but in the end it means loss of my life. I find this genius, personally. This is quite an emotional song, which could definitely be a Track 5 if not for So Long, London. It's about Taylor being in love with Matty, then finding out he isn't the one. It's a ballad, which is fine when it evolves, and it certainly evolves. Fantastic song.

#13: I Can Do It With A Broken Heart (5/5)

The 2nd single off of the album (and the best single choice in my opinion) is a banger. It's about how she puts on a good show for her fans even through her breakup with Joe. This song doesn't have a bridge, which normally I would care about, but it works so well that I don't. I love the performance of this one on the tour, especially the modified "try. and come. for. my. job". Such a fantastic bop, and I'm really glad this is officially getting pushed.

#14: The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived (6/5)

Yep, I know I look like I'm copying Hallett but I'm not, I swear. This one starts on as a ballad for the first 2 or so minutes, and quite a good ballad at that. Towards the end of the second verse and into the second chorus, you can feel something's about to happen, and boy is something happening. The bridge might be the single best piece of music I've heard in a long time, especially the live version with the marching band. It sounds like she's screaming, but it's not. It's just such a good song to scream along to wherever you are. Then, it all comes down with the outro, and it's over. What a great song. Might be towards the top of my year-end list, if I ever do that.

#15: The Alchemy (5/5)

This is one of the love songs about Travis, filled with references about football. There's also some drug references for some reason? I love this one. There's so many videos on the Olympics using this one and I love those too. The production so fun, and Taylor sounds really good here.

#16: Clara Bow (5/5)

One of the sleeper hits on this album, and the first one where Taylor says her name! This one is such a great song. It's slower but also one of the more upbeat tracks on the album. It's title represents the silent film actor Clara Bow, who was that generations "it girl", and the struggles that come with always being in the spotlight and being famous. She does such a good job writing this, and allegedly the song's about Olivia Rodrigo. I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Apparently WAOLOM is about Olivia too? I don't see that one, but I can see this one. Anyways, the last line "The future's bright, dazzling" is a great way to end the incredible first half of this album.

THE ANTHOLOGY:

#17: The Black Dog (5/5)

Another power ballad with evolution, and it seems like a diss to Joe. The Black Dog is a bar in London, and apparently Joe Alwyn's favorite bar at that! I love the evolution in this one, especially the long notes at the bridge. The bridge is one of the best bridges on the album, and the bangs during the "screaming" are so reminiscent of Florida!!!, and that's a good thing. I could see this becoming a fan favorite, and it's definitely one of my favorites of The Anthology. 

#18: imgonnagetyouback (3/5)

This song has a very similar concept with Olivia Rodrigo's song get him back! of wanting to get back with your ex, even though you know it's a bad idea. In my opinion, Olivia does it better. This one gets kind of annoying, and just doesn't sound great. The bridge is pretty okay, but nothing's really pulling me back this song.

#19: The Albatross (5/5)

This song is super fun. When I hear this, I can't stop thinking of a bird destroying humans. It's kind of like geese generally being absolute terrorists. Anyways, it's one of those songs that isn't anything amazing, but it's super catchy, which makes you love it. And I do love it!

#20: Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus (5/5)

I don't know why I really like this one tbh. It's just a normal ballad, but Taylor does it so well. The piano here is really nice. Also this is another one with a really funny abbreviation, COSOSOM. It just looks stupid. I love it.

#21: How Did It End? (5/5)

Fun fact, I purchased the digital version of this one, and it's very good. I love the piano on this one, and Tay's vocals here are amazing. I don't really know what this one is about, but I don't really care. It's amazing.

#22: So High School (5/5)

This is a love song about Travis, and the only song from the Anthology to be on the setlist, deservingly at that. I love this one. It's about how Taylor feels like she's back in high school, dating "the guy on the football team". It's so fun, especially the choreo on the tour. It's packed full with Travis references, and when Travis is at a show, she does his archer pose before the song starts. If there's a single off the Anthology, I hope it's this one.

#23: I Hate It Here (5/5)

This one's a slower song, but it's not too slow to the point where it's boring. I actually love this one, and I have the live version of it! The song's very relatable, and the lyricism here is awesome. I don't know what else to say about this one, besides it's a really solid song.

#24: thanK you AiMee (5/5)

Look! It's a Kim diss track! It's all about how thankful she is for her beef with Kim, because it showed her so much success. A good amount of her success from 2016-2018 would not have happened, and a whole album too! This is such a catchy song with great production and vocals, and another great Anthology single candidate. 

#25: I Look In People's Windows (5/5)

The shortest Taylor Swift song ever, right ahead of Now That We Don't Talk. This is a really fun song but I wish it was a bit longer. There's a mashup between this and Death By A Thousand Cuts you can find on YouTube that's really good as well.

#26: The Prophecy (4/5)

This one is a little bit underwhelming compared to the rest of the album, but that doesn't mean it's bad. This one kinda blends together with other songs like I Hate It Here and How Did It End?, so it feels less original. That doesn't mean I don't like it, as I find it a solid song, just the fact that there is a ton of ballads on this half of the album.

#27: Cassandra (4/5)

I assume this one is also about Kim and Ye, but I don't really know. This one is a solid piano ballad where Taylor sounds really good, but it's just a bit boring. It feels like a little bit of a let down compared to the rest of these songs before it.

#28: Peter (5/5)

If I had a nickel for every time Taylor Swift referenced Peter Pan in a song, I'd have two nickels, which isn't much, but it's weird that it happened twice. This is a slow ballad, but it's just beautiful. I love ballads when they're performed by the right people, and Taylor is definitely the right person. There's another song on this album that's very similar to this one coming up soon.

#29: The Bolter (5/5)

Fun fact: this is the song I got the special edition bundle with! Kinda glad about that, as this is my 2nd favorite of the pre-advertised bonus songs. It's kind of a country song, but a good country song. It's just a fun song, with great production and great vocals on top of that. I may not come back to this one often, but when I do, it's a good time.

#30: Robin (5/5)

This one's quite an innocent song dedicated to her producer Aaron Dessner's kid also named Robin. It's a beautiful song, with the pianos and the production. Also, that one part sounds like the "truth, dare, spin bottles" part in So High School. Awesome song.

#31: The Manuscript (5/5)

The final song of this review, and it's beautiful. This song is basically the continuation of All Too Well, and it references a ton of stuff, even the filming of ATW10MV's short film! It's just a beautiful song, and the piano is amazing. The last line of the entire album "But the story isn't mine anymore" ends the album perfectly, and I couldn't have asked for a better way to end this review.

THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT Overall Score: 75/80 (95%) - Great

THE ANTHOLOGY Overall Score: 71/75 (95%) - Great

THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT + THE ANTHOLOGY Overall Score: 146/155 (94%) - Great

What an album. I love this album so much, and even the ones I gave 3 or 4s on are still songs I wouldn't skip. ICFH (NRIC) can go die in a hole however. Thanks for tuning into all of my 15,000 Pageview Specials, and I'll see you in the next post!